Common Law Marriage is an alternative to traditional marriage. Instead of obtaining a marriage license, a man and woman who live together and "hold themselves out" as married can become common law spouses without a license or a wedding.

In other words if you tell others you are married, file joint tax returns, call each other husband and wife you are considered as good as married in some states. If, at some point the relationship ends a common law couple will need to follow the same process of separating their lives as a legally married couple.

If you are living together and do not intend to marry it is in your best interest to learn your state's laws regarding common law marriage. If you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage you can protect yourself by drawing up an agreement that is signed by both parties to the relationship that stating you will continue to live together with no intent to marry.

What Is Common Law Marriage? originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Monday, February 6th, 2012 at 00:26:47.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

Grieving the end of a marriage is much like grieving the death of a family member or friend.  If you want to come through the process emotionally and physically healthy it is necessary to allow yourself to mourn the loss.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of On Death and Dying writes that the emotional stages of grief are, "responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives."

Divorce is not unusual in today's society; it would seem to be a typical step for many who are dealing with marital problems.  Don't allow the fact that divorce has become commonplace mislead you into believing that you won't grieve or shouldn't allow yourself to work through the process of grieving. Doing so means being able to move onto a healthier, happier life post-divorce.

Working Through The Emotional Stages of Divorce originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 at 18:40:05.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

If you are into celebrities and keeping up with what is going on in their love lives then you've heard that Heidi Klum and Seal have separated.

Not a big shock when you consider their celebrity status. A big shock when you consider the public image they cultivated. They were the couple of who gave lavish anniversary parties every year and repeated their vows. They were the couple who had no problem displaying affection in public.

It would seem they are the couple who pulled the wool over everyone's eyes.

According to TMZ Heidi is "bidding "auf wiedersehen" to Seal's explosive temper. TMZ notes that Klum's decision has been a long time coming, and stems from concern over her children's exposure to Seal's anger management issues."

The Times of India is also reporting, "Seal's "hard partying and clubbing with friends" reportedly led to Seal spending less time with Heidi and their kids.

None of us can know what Heidi means by "explosive temper" but whether you are a celebrity or an average couple, anger, yelling and screaming should never be tolerated. If this was going on in their marriage I have to wonder why a woman of Heidi's means would stay so long.

Heidi and Seal: Proof That You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Wednesday, January 25th, 2012 at 22:21:43.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

I received a reader email recently from a woman who has lived in an abusive marriage for nearly 20 years. What I found interesting was her admission that the relationship had been abusive before marriage and that she knew on her wedding day that she was "making a big mistake."

She wanted me to tell her "why" she had made the choice to marry someone who abused her and "why" she had stayed. I had to ask myself the same questions after reading her email. Why do some people choose to remain in relationships that are unhealthy?

What I found most disturbing about her emails to me was her inability to take responsibility for the choices she had made. She chose to marry someone who abused her. She chose to stay in a marriage with an abuser.

I have a simplistic view of these situations. Or I should say, some of these situations. I realize that domestic abuse is a complicated problem but I also know that the longer you stay in an abusive relationship the more complicated the problem becomes.

My theory is, if you want to stop domestic violence leave the moment you became aware of the fact that you are being abused. There is no excuse for someone hitting you so don't make excuses. In the majority of cases there is no hope of the abuser changing so don't hang around and hope for change.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the more ammunition you give the abuser. The longer you stay the easier it is for the abuser to whittle away at your self-worth, self-esteem and ability to resist their tactics.

After some thought and a conversation with a friend who is a therapist I think I figured out "why" this woman and other victims stay in abusive relationships. They want the abuse to stop but they also want the relationship.

They put the need to be in the relationship before their own need for safety. What they don't realize is that there will come a day when their need for safety outweighs their need for the relationship. When that day comes they have lost the ability to simply walk away.

For some stopping domestic violence is simply a matter of valuing the relationship you have with yourself over the relationship you have with another person.

How To Stop Domestic Violence originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Monday, January 23rd, 2012 at 16:41:31.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

I have an answer to a question quite a few of you may be asking yourself. I know I get plenty of reader emails asking me, "why is my ex so unwilling to negotiate and compromise?" It is a question I've asked myself about my ex.

According to a study by Anne Wietzker, of Ghent University in Belgium you can expect different behaviors during divorce proceedings based on whether or not your ex feels guilt or shame.

Evidently guilt "appears to be more pro-social, in that it leads to better problem-solving and more reasonable negotiation." In other words, if your ex feels guilt over leaving he/she will go out of their way to redeem themselves by relieving the pain the divorce has caused you.

On the other hand, "the stronger a person's feelings of shame, the more conflict-avoiding and/or forcing or intimidating behavior the person will show." The divorcing spouse who feels shame is more likely to engage in pro-longed divorce litigation and use threats and scare tactics to get what they want.

Basically, the spouse who feels shame has no shame. Not when it comes to the way they behave during a divorce anyway.  Or, the more worthless and incompetent your ex feels about their behavior the worse the divorce process will be for you.

So, next time friends tell you your ex is being a jerk because of  "guilt" you can correct them and tell them you wish that was the problem.

Shame, Guilt and Divorce originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Tuesday, January 17th, 2012 at 19:20:52.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

The key to surviving your spouse's sexual addiction is to not only focus on getting the addict treatment but, also seeking treatment for yourself.

I know a woman whose husband is an alcoholic. It is her belief that she doesn't need to seek help for herself because he is the one with the "problem." Sex addiction, just like any other addiction causes emotional pain and devastation in the lives of those who love them. The addict may be the one with the "problem" but you can't respond to the problem without first getting your ducks in a row.

Whether your marriage survives your spouse's negative behavior or not you will want to.  To do so you need to educate yourself about the problem, seek a support group, align yourself with a therapist, set firm boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behavior and, detach, detach, detach.

Surviving Your Spouse’s Sexual Addiction originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Friday, January 13th, 2012 at 11:39:34.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

How well you recover after discovering your spouse's affair depends on how emotionally resilient you are. If you have the ability to quickly adjust to and snap back after disappointment you are one of the lucky ones. It is folks like you who learn lessons during times of misfortune...you are the person who is able to, "make lemonade our lemons."

Personality traits you possess:

1. You are solution focused. You focus on finding solutions to problems instead of becoming obsessed with the problem.

2. You are optimistic and confident. You don't sit around and wait for others to solve your problems, you take the initiative.

3. You set boundaries and enforce them. You know the rewards of distancing yourself from hurtful people, environments and situations.

4. You have a strong sense of autonomy. Who you are and your value as a person is not defined by the behaviors of others.

5. You don't view yourself as a victim. You are able to acknowledge your own contribution to disappointing situations, take responsibility and not blame, blame, blame.

6. You are empathetic. You are willing to view a situation from the perspective of others. Doing so helps you understand not only your feelings but the feelings of the person who hurts you.

7. You don't resist change. You are able to take what life gives you and make the best of it instead of expecting life suit your needs. You've learned to let go of a need to control every situation.

We've all heard stories of couples who were able to rebuild their marriage after infidelity. Stories of how much better the marriage became after the infidelity. Or, maybe you've met someone who divorced due to infidelity and is now happy, secure and moving forward without anger and resentment.

The same is possible for anyone who has lived with the pain of infidelity. It takes actively practicing behaviors and thoughts that promote resilience.

How to Heal After Infidelity originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Saturday, January 7th, 2012 at 14:17:45.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

As a Divorce Consultant, I often work with divorcing couples who have found themselves in a highly emotional situation. A lot of the conflict these couples face is caused by adversarial attorneys who have taken away control they have over their divorce.

What is an already painful situation can be turned into a battle royal in the hands of the wrong attorney. A divorce attorney can be quite motivated to encourage conflict between couples during the divorce process. One motivating factor; the more conflict there is the longer it will take a couple to finalize their divorce. The longer it takes to finalize the divorce the more the divorce attorney will earn.

Anyone who goes through a divorce has a choice; they can allow a divorce attorney to determine whether or not the divorce becomes malignant with anger and conflict or they can pull the reigns in and hold their attorney accountable if things get out of control.

Remember, you hire a divorce attorney which makes you the person in charge of what happens during your divorce.

How To Control An Adversarial Divorce Attorney originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Sunday, January 1st, 2012 at 23:00:08.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

I hear a lot about how the courts are biased in favor of mothers when it comes to deciding child custody. After doing a bit of research on the subject I've come to the conclusion that the courts are not the reason mothers get custody in the majority of divorces.

Below are a few stats from a Pew Research Center analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG) released in June of 2011.

Married Fathers:

A married father spends, on average 6.5 hours a week taking part in primary child care activities with his children. The married mother spends, on average 12.9 hours.  Since two income households are now the norm, not the exception the above information indicates that not only are mothers working they are also doing twice as much child care as fathers.

It only makes sense that mothers who have a closer bond due to the time spent caring for a child be the one more likely to obtain custody during a divorce.

Divorced or Unwed Fathers:

More startling are the stats on absent fathers, or the amount of time fathers spend with children once the divorce is final. According to the Pew Research study, when fathers and children live separately 22% of fathers see their children more than once a week. Twenty nine percent of fathers see their children 1-4 times a month. The most disturbing though, 27% of fathers have no contact with their children.

When you take into consideration that mothers spend more time taking care of children before divorce and only 22% of fathers take advantage of spending what I would consider quality and qauntative time with their children after the divorce the fact that more mothers obtain custody seems reasonable...doesn't it?

How Custody is Decided:

According to DivorcePeers.com the majority of child custody cases are not decided by the courts.  In 51% of the cases both parents agreed that mom be the custodial parent. In 29% of the cases the decision was made without any third party involvement. Only 11% of custody cases were decided during mediation with as few as 5% being decided after court order custody evaluations.

In cases where both parents decided, without involvement from a mediator or the court 83% of the time the mother ended up with custody because the father chose to give her custody. What do these statistics tell us?

1. Fathers are less involved in their children's care during the marriage.

2. Fathers are less involved in their children's lives after divorce.

3. Mothers gain custody because the vast majority of fathers choose to give the mother custody.

4. There is no Family Court bias in favor of mothers for the majority of fathers who divorce.

Child Custody: There Is No Gender Bias During Custody Decisions originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Wednesday, December 28th, 2011 at 15:24:58.

Permalink | Comment | Email this

More divorces are filed in January than any other month of the year. After being cooped up in a bad marriage during the holiday season many folks find themselves moving into the New Year determined to never spend another Christmas in their marriage.

What few think about before filing for a divorce is the reality of what they will actually be getting. You see, divorce doesn't end suffering, it doubles suffering.

Divorce means one house becomes two with all the expense it takes of running both. In other words the income that it took to maintain one home will now have to somehow cover the expense of maintaining two homes.

Divorce is basically trading one set of problems for another, unless you educate yourself and navigate the process in a way that cuts down the expense and is fair to all involved. So, if it is a divorce you want below are a few links to information you need.

What Are Your State's Divorce Laws?

How To Find a Divorce Attorney

What Happens During The Divorce Process?

How Can We Reach a Fair Divorce Settlement?

Divorce Season...It's Right Around The Corner! originally appeared on About.com Divorce Support on Sunday, December 25th, 2011 at 19:19:00.

Permalink | Comment | Email this